Alice in the Hundred Aker Woodland
a short story inspired by Lewis Carroll and A.A. Milne
Included is a narration of a story that brings the worlds of Alice (from Wonderland) and Winnie the Pooh together, written by Pernoste & Dahl. This work is complete with illustrations, character voices and background music. Guest narrator Eva Taliesin as Alice. We hope you enjoy reading along with us!
Alice in the Hundred Aker Woodland
a short story by Pernoste & Dahl
It was a lovely day to sit by the river, if one liked sitting by the river with one’s sister and watching the water going by slowly. Alice sighed, and her sister glanced up from her book, only to go back to reading. Alice sighed again, louder this time, and (with no response from her sister) she peeked over her shoulder to see what was so interesting.
No pictures, not one! Alice thought. And all that reading to do. It would be so much better if books could read themselves and then tell you what they’re about.
Alice considered what to do rather than watching her sister read (though the hot sun made her sleepy and not very good at thinking at all). The nearby woods looked ever so much shadier than under their favorite river tree. Was it less boring there and a little bit cooler?
Suddenly, as Alice stood, a very large White Rabbit, with extremely pink eyes, bounced past her toward a nearby hedge.
Perhaps it was because Alice was so bored, but she did not think it very odd, at first, that the White Rabbit walked upon its hind legs and wore a waistcoat. Nor did it occur to her that Rabbits do not talk to themselves and say, “Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late!” and then take watches out of their waistcoat pockets to check the time.
With a second thought, however, Alice realized it was strange, indeed. So, burning with curiosity, Alice chased after the different sort of Rabbit, seeing that it was heading to the hedge and a rather large Rabbit hole.
“Oh, dear me! It’s an Alice!” exclaimed the White Rabbit as Alice jumped in front of it.
What a curious thing to say, that I’m an Alice, like I’m an odd girl-shaped creature escaped from the zoo and running wild in its second-best Sunday picnic dress, thought Alice.
“Say, White Rabbit! Can you just stop a moment to talk?” Alice asked quite reasonably, dancing about from side to side to prevent the dodging and bouncing creature from escaping down the hole.
“Aaaah! Oh, dear. Oh, dear!” the White Rabbit exclaimed as it changed course for the woods at a bouncing gallop. Alice chased her curious prey for a long while through the woods down a windy, hilly, and mostly treesy path.
Soon Alice lost sight of the White Rabbit in a perplexing mist that arose around her. “Oh, dear,” she said, sounding much like her escaped quarry. She looked back and could no longer see the trail behind her, but she could see it continuing forward. Well! thought Alice to herself, I think I am completely lost. Next time I shall have to remember to bring a very large ball of string to find my way home.
She continued walking to get out of the mist, finding herself in open woods less dense than the forest behind. “I wonder how many miles I’ve gone. I know what a mile is, for I’ve learned this in school, but they never told me how long a mile feels when running through the forest and chasing a large White Rabbit.”
Presently, she began wondering again. “I wonder if I shall be lost forever or perhaps eaten by a Bear. I don’t think I should like that much… and who will be around to feed Dinah, my Cat, her saucer of milk at tea time if I’m eaten? I think people eat Bears, too, so maybe the Bear will be afraid of me! I will just have to assure it that I would never eat a Bear and that, in kind, it should not eat me. Then I will curtsey and say Good day to you, Bear.”
She giggled, then sighed.
“I am not myself today at all, I think,” said Alice. “But then, who must I be? I was certainly Alice when I woke up this morning, but I know Alice never saw talking Rabbits or went exploring in the woods without a ball of string. I so wish Alice were here, if I’m not her. And I so hope I’m not one of the neighbors with their noisy dog who scares Dinah… because they are boys. I certainly don’t want to be a boy.” She sighed again.
Just moments after considering Bears, and maybe being a boy, Alice saw a peculiar sort of pudgy little soft Bear walking along the path toward her. She quickly hid behind a tree, because just one tree further from being eaten was probably a good thing.
The Bear wasn’t fast, stomping along on its short hind legs. It was also not very large and singing a silly song about mackerels and honey, which sounded completely horrid to Alice as a choice of cuisine.
Alice decided to risk calling out from hiding, “Hello, oh, hello!”
The Bear stopped singing, looked around, and didn’t see her at all. But to be fair, she was hiding quite well behind the tree. Alice excelled in hiding of all sorts, as most of her classmates could attest.
“Oh, bother,” said the Bear in a cute little voice. “I said hello without really hello-ing.”
“Hello?” repeated Alice, stepping out now part of the way from behind the tree.
“There I go again,” said the Bear. “But I’m not really saying much. I should try not to fall out of bed so often.”
Well, thought Alice, a Bear that falls out of bed and is a little confused is probably the best kind of Bear to run into in the woods…. if one must run into a Bear, and I’m sure Mother would say I mustn’t.
“Hello, little Bear?” said Alice, stepping out into the path. She primly smoothed her dress along the front of her legs as it was a little bit wrinkly now after all her running, and she did fall in the thicket somewhat badly when no one was watching, so it didn’t really count.
“You won’t eat me, will you? I’m sure I’m not very tasty.” She decided to wait to reveal that she had no intention to eat the Bear, too.
“Hallo,” said the Bear. “Um, I like to eat Hunny. You’re not Christopher Robin… are you.”
“Oh, no, little Bear. I’m Alice. Did you see a very large White Rabbit go by here? It’s such a curious creature.”
“You mean, Rabbit? Rabbit’s a Rabbit and is a little white and not so large, but very large if you’re very small.” Alice was relieved. She was still very curious about the White Rabbit.
“OK. Rabbit. Is it always in a hurry, moving fast?” Alice fidgeted anxiously, feeling a little uncomfortable that the Bear was looking up and down and around and tapping its head.
Is it a distraction, Alice wondered, before pouncing? Do bears pounce?
“Rabbit is kind of fast. Rabbit talks fast and uses very many words, too.” The Bear looked at her seriously, with squinty eyes, for a moment then paused. “Well, Rabbit lives over there… in a hole.” The little Bear pointed along a right forking path through an open clearing.
“Thank you, little Bear,” Alice said, smiling as she hurried away down the path. She still wasn’t quite sure the Bear wouldn’t eat her and regretted not getting a mutual non-eating agreement. Plus, there was a little Pig coming up the path behind the Bear, and it was the right size for the Bear to eat… and that she didn’t want to see.
Alice, on the other hand, was pretty sure that Rabbits did not eat people.
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Alice never found Rabbit’s hole, which she didn’t know was a little more than a hole. Alice, you see, was looking down, intently, for a hole in which nice English Rabbits typically live and not a housey-kind of hole. So she wandered for a little while until she found a cluster of trees all alone but growing next to a hole, a large hole. Now it was more than just a large hole… a very large hole, admittedly… and Alice didn’t know it was dug specifically for catching Heffalumps, because she didn’t know what a Heffalump was.
Alice stepped closer to the hole, which was definitely safe in cases where the hole is very small and has been around for a lot of years, but in this case the edges were just a little soft and a little crumbly. So Alice, to her dismay, tumbled head over tailfeathers into the very large Heffalump trap.
“Umphh!” said Alice, laying too much upon her head with her dress mostly where it shouldn’t be and not where it should be. She righted herself and rearranged her dress. “Oh, I must look in such disarray, with my second-best picnic dress all dirty and my hair all topsy-turvey!”
“You look okay to me, for a Heffalump anyway,” said a voice from above. And when Alice looked up, she saw a peculiar and dour Donkey face peering down at her.
“Oh, Mr. Donkey, I don’t suppose you could help me get out of here, could you?” Alice stood and waved to the Donkey. “I’m Alice,” she said, curtseying her finest curtsey, even though one shoe was in the mud, and she felt like she was falling just a little sideways.
“I’m Eeyore, if you care,” said the Donkey in a gloomy voice. “Never met a Heffalump named Alice before.”
“Oh, Eeyore, I’m not a Heffalump,” Alice corrected. “I can hardly be one if I don’t know what one is, though I was wondering if I was Alice just a little while ago.” She immediately regretted adding this little detail when her identity was in question, so she added another curtsey, figuring it couldn’t hurt unless she fell down, of course.
“You’re in a Heffalump trap, so you must be a Heffalump,” said Eeyore. “They’re not very nice, Heffalumps.”
“Oh, but haven’t you ever fallen in a hole before, say, one for a Rabbit? Would that make you a Rabbit?” Alice asked, certain that she could convince the morose little Donkey to help her.
“Never fell in a hole for a Rabbit without a Rabbit there,” said Eeyore, “so I couldn’t be a Rabbit.”
“But can’t I convince you to help me… and that I’m not a Heffalump?” implored Alice.
“Well, Heffalumps don’t like poetry, so I could read you a poem,” answered Eeyore.
Eeyore’s Poem
Alice is a Heffalump,
at least I think she is
but hiding her large noses
and Heffalumpy (something that rhymes with is).
and she doesn’t like my poem
which rhymes a lot
and makes her fidget
(something that rhymes with a lot)
and then the poem ends
with more rhymes.
“See, you’re a Heffalump all right,” said Eeyore. “You didn’t like my poem.”
“No, um, Eeyore Donkey,” protested Alice. “I loved your poem, although it didn’t really rhyme or make sense, but rather had a certain charm.” Alice smiled and curtseyed, but the Donkey just stared at her.
“Sorry, Heffalump. But here’s a nice rock. Kinda blue and matches your Heffalump dress.” The Donkey kicked the rock into the hole with her.
Alice picked up the rock and absently put it into the little pocket of her dress. “But Donkey, what….?” Before she could ask the Donkey what good was a rock when stuck in a Heffalump trap, the Donkey was gone.
— — — — — — — — — — — -֎ — — — — — — — — — — —
Alice sat for some time in the large, deep, and muddy Heffalump trap, talking to herself. “There must be some way for a non-Heffalump girl to get out, or perhaps the hole would have become full of girls by now. There certainly are a lot of girls in the world after all,” said Alice. “Just in my school alone, there must be a hundred, and if a certain percentage, maybe even 1%, was prone to fall in Heffalump traps…. then….”
Alice stopped to calculate, for maths was not something she was particularly fond of or good at, which was kind of the same thing. “Well, I’m sure it must lead to thousands per year,” Alice concluded. “If we were all here, we could make a human pyramid or something and climb out.”
“If you were in a hole,” said a voice.
“Yes, of course,” Alice said. “I’m sure the maths is completely different if not a hole.” She sat down and smiled, happy to think maybe she wasn’t in a hole at all, and then she realized somebody had spoken. She turned to see a very large and unusual creature standing in the hole with her.
“Oh, hello,” said Alice, certain it was best to be polite to somebody who had helpful suggestions, even if they looked a little elephant-like but skinnier, purple and pink with stripes and with two long elephant noses. “Are you a… Heffalump?”
“Of course,” answered the creature. “What else would you expect to find in a Heffalump trap?”
Alice thought there was a certain logic to this, of course, though she was a girl in a Heffalump trap so would have to be a Heffalump, too. Luckily Eeyore had told her if you fell into a hole with the very thing that belonged in the hole, then you were most likely not that thing.
Oh, what a relief, thought Alice, I’m not a Heffalump.
“Hello, Mr. Heffalump.” She curtseyed again, thinking that she had not curtseyed this many times in quite a long time.
“Miss,” said the Heffalump.
“Sorry?” said Alice, looking about for what she missed.
“Miss Heffalump,” said the Heffalump. “Though clearly you don’t believe me.”
“I never said I didn’t!” protested Alice.
“Didn’t you ever learn etiquette? Heffalumps are very proper.”
“I go to school and learn many things,” said Alice. “Just today I have curtseyed many times, so very politely.”
“I suppose you eat Heffalumps or want to,” said the Heffalump. “Everybody does. This is why we must hide all the time.”
“I’m sure I would never eat a Heffalump!” exclaimed Alice. “I would never think of such a thing!”
“Oh, one look at me and you immediately think I’m not tasty?” mumbled the Heffalump. “Woozles!” the Heffalump yelled, bringing a couple of polka-dotted woozles, which looked very much like weasels but more woozelly to Alice.
“Oh, my,” sighed Alice. “I never seem to say the right thing.” Soon she was completely surrounded by even more Woozles, and not very happy about it. And more Heffalumps had come as well, but she hesitated to even think if they were Misters or Misses. That’s where everything had gone so badly the first time.
“What do you have to say for yourself!” bellowed a very large Heffalump wearing a large crown. A king? A queen?
“Oh, please, your… Supreme Heffalumpiness, I only want to find my way home because I couldn’t find the White Rabbit… and the Bear and the Donkey weren’t very helpful, and my sister likes to do such boring things like reading books that I end up getting myself in trouble and calling Misses Misters and bringing tons of Woozles.” Alice was very unhappy and very close to crying.
“Oh, you want to go home!” laughed the Supreme Heffalumpiness. “Why didn’t you say so?”
Afraid to say much more, as it might call into question the amount she desired or didn’t desire to eat Heffalumps or how much she knew etiquette, Alice merely said, “Yes, please, I want to go home, back to the riverbank where my sister is.” Alice curtseyed again.
“Then just close your eyes,” said the Supreme Heffalumpiness.
“Wake up, Alice,” said a familiar voice. “You’ve been sleeping forever.”
“Oh, I had such a strange dream,” said Alice, and she told her sister everything she had seen. She was a little upset that her sister giggled and laughed, for sisters should certainly be more polite when their younger sisters had had such a difficult and tiring dream.
“Let’s go. It’s getting late, and Mother will be looking for us,” said her sister, gathering up their blanket and picnic basket.
Alice stood and noticed there was something in her pocket. She held the blue rock in her hand.
“Curiouser and curiouser,” mused Alice as she walked home holding her sister’s hand.
Thank you for reading our humorous little story.
Ohhh, how I love it when characters from some of my favorite stories interact! This was so adorable and I enjoyed all the different character voices and narration.
I wrote a story based off characters from “Alice in Wonderland” once, too. Here’s the link, in case you’d like to give it a read: https://lovelorn.me/2022/03/15/mad-hatted-courtroom-2/