Recording/voices by JD Pernoste, Anneliese Dahl, and Eva Taliesin.
Music: Collection of William King guitar pieces: Italian Story, Meet Love, First Touch, Yesterday, Last Day, and February Night at Pixabay Music. Includes Ukelele Trip by Lesfm at Pixabay Music and Playing in Color and Quirky Fun and Bright by Pixabay Music.
Enjoy our entertaining narration of the story, with voices and music.
Pooh Bear in Wonderland
It was very early in the Hundred Aker Wood, and Pooh Bear sat in front of his house on his big sitting log, just thinking about all sorts of bear-like things, like if he wanted a second breakfast yet or whether Pooh bears needed to hibernate like regular bears. But he also wondered when the Sun would get out of bed completely and if the Heffalumps would be wandering the Wood early or late today.
“Early,” proclaimed Pooh, decisively. “Or maybe late.”
The pale golden light was such a Hunny color, though, and it started a little rumbly in his tumbly, so maybe he could first look for a smackerel of Hunny in his cupboard for a second breakfast and then go Heffalumping later. But Pooh remembered he’d just licked the last bit of Hunny from his very last jar in the cupboard.
“Oh, bother,” muttered Pooh. “What shall I do?” He tapped his head, saying “Think, think, think,” until he had an idea.
Pooh stumped along the old trail to Piglet’s House, hoping Piglet was awake and that Piglet was hungry — but not too hungry, of course — to spare a little Hunny for his best friend. He sang a little song.
No Hunny in my tummy and nothing else quite so yummy but haycorns may be tasty so I really can’t be hasty. Try, try, yes maybe try eating Piglet’s haycorn pie unless there’s Hunny hiding there just a smackerel for a bear. Yumdy, dumdy, yummy yumbly a little Hunny for my tumbly.
“Hello, oh, hello!” Pooh heard a voice call out. Pooh, of course, did not realize it was a girl named Alice calling from behind a tree. She was very curious, and a little bit frightened, to see a small, pudgy bear trundling along the path.
“Oh, bother,” said Pooh, thinking he must have heard himself. “I said hello without really hello-ing.”
“Hello?” repeated the girl named Alice.
“There I go again,” said Pooh. Then Pooh tried to remember whether he had fallen out of bed today or yesterday and whether or not it had made him say hallo to himself repeatedly.
“Hello, little bear?” said Alice, stepping out into the path, startling the confused bear. She primly smoothed her dress along the front of her legs and smiled brightly at him.
“Hallo,” said Pooh, nervously. He stared the creature on the path before him, and listened politely as it asked him if he wanted to eat it. This made Pooh quite confused. It smiled with small and bright white teeth.
“Um, I like to eat Hunny,” Pooh declared, for a moment considering that this creature might be Christopher Robin in a dress and talking in a different voice. But Christopher Robin would have talked about looking for the North Pole or making it rain… not about being eaten.
“You’re not Christopher Robin… are you,” said Pooh.
“Oh, no, little Bear. I’m Alice.”
The Alice creature seemed friendly, though, and asked a lot of questions about Rabbit and whether Rabbit was big or small, fast or slow, and other such things. So, Pooh, being a very friendly sort of bear told her everything he knew about Rabbit, which was mostly that Rabbit talked a lot and lived just down the path a little way.
“Thank you, little bear,” Alice said, smiling, as she hurried away, down the path.
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Pooh watched the strange creature walk down the path to Rabbit’s house, thinking that this Alice was probably not a Heffalump. Hopefully not a Woozle. But he was very happy, nevertheless, when the Alice disappeared around the bend.
“What are you doing, Pooh?” said a voice behind Pooh.
“Oh, bother,” sighed Pooh. “Now the voice in my head sounds a lot like Piglet, and only just a tiny bit Pooh Bearish.”
“N-n-n-no, P-Pooh!” said Piglet nervously, grabbing Pooh’s paw. “It’s me. P-Piglet.”
“Why, Piglet. I believe I have found you.”
“N-no, Pooh, I found you!”
“It’s the same thing,” said Pooh. “Say, Piglet, do you think you might be hungry and…”
Piglet interrupted. “N-no, Pooh. You have to come with me. I’m just a very small animal, you know, and I saw a very b-big rabbit. B-b-big…. and white, Pooh,” said Piglet, trembling. “Do you think it might be a Woozle in disguise… or maybe a Wizzle?”
“Did it have rabbit ears?” Pooh asked.
“Y-y-yes,” said Piglet. “Rabbit ears.”
“Rabbit has rabbit ears, so it must be Rabbit in disguise. Do you think that maybe Rabbit has some… Hunny? Even if Rabbit is not at home?” asked Pooh.
Pooh licked the tip of his nose to enjoy the feeling of cooling there, for his nose (and the rest of him for that matter) was feeling warm with all the walking around and being empty of Hunny and such things.
“Rabbit always has Hunny, Pooh.”
Pooh and Piglet walked off, in the opposite direction of Rabbit’s house, back toward the Place Where the Woozle Wasn’t that one time, near Piglet’s house.
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Soon Pooh and Piglet passed Piglet’s house and came to an open place in the middle of the forest with a hole, a very large hole, though not as big as the Heffalump trap near the Six Pine Trees.
Pooh moved closer and a little closer to the hole, and stopped walking… as one might expect when walking up to a hole. But Piglet kept walking even when Pooh had stopped, running into Pooh, so Pooh fell in.
Piglet behaved as many small animals would (in such a situation) and grabbed Pooh’s leg. This is how very bad things can happen when approaching large holes and continuing to walk. One person after another can end up falling in, plummeting into a deep, deep well.
Either the well was very deep, or they fell very very slowly, floating in the quiet darkness. Regardless, there was no food to be seen, which was the first disappointing thing that came to Pooh’s mind. The second disappointing thing was the thought of landing someplace hard.
“Pooh?” Piglet asked quietly, voice muffled against Pooh’s leg.
“Yes, Piglet?”
“I know I’m j-just a very small animal, so even small things c-can seem very large…. but it seems like this is t-taking a very long t-time.”
“Yes, Piglet. But we are not so much falling as we are Not-Exactly-Falling, if you know what I mean,” Pooh answered. Though it was a bit dark, Pooh now noticed they were surrounded by cupboards and bookshelves, and with maps and pictures hung upon pegs. Pooh took from a shelf a jar that looked a little Hunny Jar-like. And the writing seemed to say OR-something MARMA-something and tasted surprisingly like orange marmalade.
“Would you like some ORMARMA, Piglet,” Pooh asked, to be polite, but actually just a little too late, for it was all gone. He licked the remainder from his face and nose.
“N-n-no, thank you Pooh,” answered Piglet, so Pooh put the empty ORMARMA jar on an empty shelf as they passed by.
“I think it would be nice to have Owl or Rabbit here right now, for I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and they would certainly know why we have cupboards in the ground and why we go down so slowly without stairs.”
“Oh, n-no, Pooh. You’re very smart,” protested Piglet, “just not very often.”
Soon, Pooh, being full of ORMARMA, started to feel a little sleepy, almost falling asleep, until…. thump, bounce, tumble, they found themselves on a pile of sticks and crispy dry leaves.
Piglet and Pooh were not the least bit hurt, so they stood and looked down the tunnel in which they found themselves. Down at the very end, lit by many hanging lamps, they saw a large White Rabbit moving quickly around the corner. In the quiet there, they heard a click, a squeaky creak, and the sound of a door slamming closed.
Pooh looked back up to the hole above them and the shelves of goodies, making a couple of test jumps from the pile of leaves. “Oh, bother,” said Pooh when he didn’t fly upwards. “I guess when up doesn’t work, forward is the best place to go.”
“Y-yes, Pooh,” Piglet stammered. “You don’t suppose this is where Heffalumps and Woozles live, do you?”
“It doesn’t feel very Woozly or Heffalumpy to me,” replied Pooh. “And sometimes you have to go where the going goes, when there’s nowhere else to go.”
At the end of the tunnel, they found a room with many, many doors that had big, heavy knobs and large dark keyholes. Pooh went from door to door, reaching up to grab the great knobs to try to turn them. All the doors were locked.
“Oh, bother,” said Pooh. “We are either inside and can’t get out, or outside and can’t get in.”
“P-P-Pooh,” said Piglet, while examining a very tiny table near him. It was even smaller than Piglet, so it was easily unnoticed by a much larger Pooh bear. “I f-found a key.” But Pooh was busy thinking.
“If only we had a key,” answered Pooh, one paw tapping on his head to try to release some ideas. “Think, think, think, think.”
“B-but Pooh! I found a little tiny key…. and over there,” Piglet said, happily, pointing low on the wall, “is a tiny door.”
“Piglet, you are a better Pooh Bear than I am today.” Pooh hugged Piglet, who squirmed embarrassedly.
Piglet took the key and went to the door and unlocked it. “Look, Pooh, if I crawl, I will be able to go through the door!!” Pooh peered through the door into a little tunnel, not much larger than a Piglet, that led to a beautiful garden full of bright flowers and cool fountains.”
“Oh, bother. I’m much too big, Piglet. And I’m getting hungry and very thirsty.”
“H-here, P-Pooh,” answered Piglet, picking up a small bottle from the table. “I don’t read very well, but I think it says, DRINK ME, so it must be good to drink. I know it’s not much… and it’s very small….”
“Piglet. You are very small, too. But inside my heart you are very large. I’ll drink it.”
Piglet smiled pinkly and handed him the tiny bottle. Pooh drank.
“Piglet!” Pooh exclaimed. “You’re getting bigger!”
“N-no, Pooh,” said Piglet. “You’re getting smaller, and smaller….. and smaller.”
“It’s the same thing,” said Pooh, now two inches tall, looking up at his giant friend Piglet. Piglet squeezed through the tiny door, wriggling out through the door and short tunnel. Pooh walked out behind him and into the garden.
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Pooh looked around and up at the gigantic Piglet. Pooh was smaller than the grass, much smaller than the flowers, and tinier than the mushroom next to him, and much, much smaller than the trees, which seemed like strange mountains. Whatever Pooh thought, he did not say, for Piglet’s ears were so very far away anyway. All Pooh could do was hum and sing a little song.
I can stand here not happy so small, I could do not a thing, nothing at all. But we should go here to there, when here is not the where, and the where we do not know. Then maybe it is time to go.
“Pooh, I’m a giant!!” Piglet giggled and stomped around through the garden feeling enormous, even though Piglet’s height, in relation to the flowers and trees, was no greater than at home in the Hundred Aker Woods, it seemed to Pooh.
“We are not lost,” said Pooh aloud, “because we know we’re right here. But I think this place doesn’t know where it is.”
“But who,” asked a voice, “are you?”
“There I go again, speaking without saying anything,” said Pooh.
“I ask again,” spoke the voice, “who are you?”
Pooh suddenly noticed two very large blue eyes of an even larger blue caterpillar looking down at him from the top of the mushroom. It was watching him seriously, and puffing smoke from a long tube, connected to a strange contraption.
“Oh. Hallo there, Mr. Caterpiggle,” said Pooh. “Who am I? I am just a Pooh bear, and a tiny one it seems,” said Pooh to the Caterpillar.
“Oh, oh, oh. Oh, dear. It’s a Blue Caterpiggle,” said Piglet approaching slowly to not step on his friend or the mushroom or the caterpillar.
“How do you do? Who are you?” The Caterpillar puffed rings of fragrant smoke into the air, and he watched the rings grow larger than Piglet’s head as they rose.
Piglet replied, “I am just a very small…. hahaha…no, I forgot… I’m a very large and giant Piglet!”
Pooh added quietly. “We are not ourselves, it seems, Mr. Caterpiggle.”
The Caterpillar sternly replied. “Explain yourselves. How can you not be who you are?”
“I’m very small. Only two inches,” explained Pooh.
“That is a prodigious height,” huffed the Caterpillar. “I am a magnificent 2 and one half inches tall. Just how tall would you like to be?”
Pooh spread his arms to the side and then up and down and then scratched his head. “Pooh-sized, I suppose. It’s the only Pooh I know how to be.”
“And you, gigantic pig?” asked the Caterpillar. “I suppose you wish to be Pooh-sized as well?”
“Oh, no, Mr. Caterpiggle,” giggled Piglet. “I want to be as tall as a tree.”
The Blue Caterpillar climbed down from his mushroom, many white-gloved hands gripping and releasing parts of the mushroom to slowly drop down to the ground. His second to last hand passed a black bowler hat, hand to hand, up to his head, and his last hand grabbed his smoking contraption.
“One side makes you larger, and the other makes you small,” said the Blue Caterpillar, pointing at the mushroom. “Eat,” he said as he walked away.
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After nibbling carefully on the right and left sides of the mushroom, alternately, Pooh and Piglet were finally happy with their sizes. They walked away through the forest, Pooh now appropriately Pooh-sized, and Piglet the size of a tree. Piglet thundered over the ground, feet squashing all that was in the way, and arms pushing treetops aside to make way for the Great and Powerful Piglet. His giggles reverberated through the forest.
Soon they came upon a clearing, where sat a house, and (in front of the house) a large table set for tea. The table, despite being large, was crowded only on one side with a Hare, a Top-Hatted Man, and a Large Mouse sleeping over his tea cup.
As Pooh and Piglet approached, the Hatter and the Hare both cried out, “No room! No room!” and dropped down in their chairs until only their eyes were above the table.
Pooh, spotting a nice jar of something possibly resembling Hunny on the table, sat down at an empty chair and politely acted just a little bit hungry… hoping they’d notice. “Hallo,” said Pooh, and, gesturing back toward Giant Piglet, saying, “I’m Pooh, and this is Piglet.” Giant Piglet laid down in the clearing, positioning his enormous head near the table.
“Hmm, perhaps a different kind of poo, ha ha ha, right Hare?” Hatter, sitting high in his chair once again, said, “Wherever are the codswallops of our yesteryear?”
“Oh, yes, where are they?” agreed Giant Piglet wisely, knowing that now with his prodigious size, his brain was very large as well, so it was likely that he understood.
Pooh, now quickly tiring of politely acting just a little bit hungry, asked “I don’t suppose I could have a smackerel of Hunny?”
“A mackerel of honey? That reminds me of a riddle about fish,” said the Hatter.
Pooh smiled. “Oh, I like riddles. What is it?”
“I haven’t the slightest idea,” said the Hatter.
Hatter proceeded to pour tea, offering a cup, also, to Pooh, who immediately reached for the honey. But it was not honey, not anything but an empty jar, and his tea cup was empty.
“Oh, bother,” said Pooh. “Can you tell us how to get to the Hundred Aker Woods?”
“Of course,” said Hatter. “It’s the other way from here. Just start going that way,” he gestured vaguely to the left, “and then change course until you get there.”
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“Oh, dear,” said Giant Piglet. “Is that what a tea party is like?”
“I think tea parties usually have tea,” said Pooh as they walked away through the forest. “And Hunny.”
After walking some time through the forest, they came to a wide field of dandylions and dazies and could see a beautiful and large castle in the distance. Much closer to them, right next to them in fact, they saw a sign that said NO TRESPASSERS.
“Oh, d-dear,” said Giant Piglet. He was a little upset, because next to Piglet’s house in the Hundred Aker Woods, there is a sign on a broken board that says TRESPASSERS W, which is short for Tresspassers William, his grandfather.
“I think it’s a different Tresspassers,” said Pooh. “Because he never told you about this place, and if I was ever here (which I think I am), I would mention it.”
“Yes, Pooh!” said Giant Piglet happily. “That’s true.”
Pooh stumped along steadily toward the far castle, but as they got closer and closer, they saw a curious thing. People-sized playing cards started walking toward them, all lined up in rows.
“Oh, bother,” said Pooh. “Christopher Robin only gave me 5 playing cards, and I don’t remember them growing and walking around.”
First came ten playing card soldiers carrying clubs and next came ten nobles, ornamented with diamonds. Then came the royal children painted with hearts. There were ones with numbers like 2 and 7. Others had pictures of their faces painted rightsy-uppy and upsy-downy on their fronts. Some seemed to be High Royalty, but then they saw yet another Rabbit, who announced, “Hear ye, hear ye, bow for the King and Queen of Hearts!”
The procession stopped in front of Pooh and Giant Piglet, and the Queen of Hearts asked harshly from her carriage, “Who are you?”
“I am Pooh,” said Pooh.
“Poo?” asked the Queen, with a sour grimace.
“Yes… Pooh,” replied Pooh.
The Queen turned to the 2 of Clubs and, holding her nose, and said, “Off with his head.”
“My head?” asked Pooh. “I rather think I need my head.”
As the soldiers started to surround Pooh, Giant Piglet roared, “Leave my friend Pooh alone!” He picked up Pooh and scattered the cards into the wind with his kicks and stomps.
“Run away!” shouted the King, “It’s a giant pig.”
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It was silent in the meadow as the sun dropped low in the sky, and Pooh sat in Giant Piglet’s lap. In the distance they could see the Playing Card soldiers peeking over the castle walls.
“Thank you, Piglet,” said Pooh. “You are a powerful friend.”
“Oh, th-th-thank you, Pooh, but I think I prefer being a very small animal if you don’t mind,” said Piglet. “It’s the only Piglet I want to be.” He took some of the mushroom they had eaten earlier out of his pocket and nibbled a few bites. In a few minutes, Giant Piglet was back to regular Piglet size.
“How will we ever g-get home, Pooh,” asked Piglet, voice trembling. “I miss Rabbit and Eeyore and Roo and Kanga and Owl and Christopher Robin.”
“Oh,” said Pooh. “I just remembered that I have a jar of Hunny under my bed.”
“But it’s so far away, Pooh,” replied Piglet.
“Yes, but now that it’s quiet, I can hear the Hunny calling to me. I just couldn’t hear it well before, but if you’re very quiet, I think I can find where it’s calling from.
They walked off together, Pooh and regular Piglet, with regular Piglet being very quiet and not saying “Oh, d-d-dear” or “I’m just a very small animal” out of worry.
After a while, Piglet saw a tree he remembered and covered his mouth to prevent an “oooo” sound that wanted to come out. But he wasn’t sure.
“Well, there you are, silly old bear,” said Christopher Robin, coming out of the misty twilight of Hundred Aker Woods. “Hi, Piglet!”
“Here we are,” said Pooh. “At least we are now.” Since they hadn’t been there just a moment ago, Pooh felt it was important to say.
“Have you seen Rabbit, Pooh?” asked Christopher Robin.
“Which one,” replied Pooh. And Piglet laughed as Pooh began to sing.
We wandered and wondered -widdly dum- a wonderland with empty tea -tiddly tum- and caterpiggles and mushrooms -middly mum- but nothing nothing, nothing -niddly num- is better than home -hiddly hum.
“Silly old Bear,” said Christopher Robin, smiling.
Thank you for reading our humorous little story. We hope you visit some of our other stories and poetry.